Book Review: The State of Affairs — Rethinking Infidelity.
I first discovered Esther Perel’s book ‘The State of Affairs’ via Instagram. A friend of mine had shared a story and I noticed the book in the background. Intrigued by the topic of infidelity, I naturally assumed that a relationship would have to be at breaking point to pick up this book. This assumption holds no truth and it’s worth noting here the bias that comes with reading a book on infidelity. Reviews relating to this book are intertwined with reassurances that marriages are in good health and reinforcement that personal interest in this book does not stem from the reader committing adultery. This alone demonstrates the need for a book like this to exist.
Infidelity has been a topic that I continually wrestle with. One part of me wants to explore and be more understanding of the concept, the other part still feels sick to the stomach when I visualise the act of cheating. My learnings have naturally been shaped from my experience and as I’ve got older I’ve become more comfortable with the part of me that wants to explore the complexities of a relationship. Encouraged by Perel’s 30 + years of experience as a relationship & sex psychotherapist, I did just that.
Understandably, personal experience and intransigent views of infidelity may cause discomfort and reluctance amongst some, however, Perel’s approach with this book is not one of an absolutist. She does not minimise the pain of an affair, neither justify it. Instead, her focus is solely on helping us understand the many dimensions of infidelity. Throughout the book, Perel provides us with real-life anecdotes that offer up a rare window of opportunity into the intimate realities of relationships. She builds upon these stories, fleshing them out with incisive psychological and cultural analysis. Through a compassionate lens, we are able to explore the underlying emotions, meanings, and motivations of infidelity in a safe and empathetic space.
The structure of the book mimics the life cycle of a relationship. Before delving into the book, Perel quickly highlights that ‘infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.’ We need to understand that affairs are ubiquitous and here to stay.
Once we make peace with this notion we are ready to take a provocative look at the many facets of infidelity that come to light during the fallout and post affair recovery of a marriage (or relationship). The revelation of an affair is gut-wrenching. In fact, it is so overwhelming that psychologists borrow from the field of trauma to explain the symptoms. Yet Perel’s writing is eloquent and accessible, she can organise the cataclysmic experience that stems from the discovery of an affair into digestible chapters. I find myself grieving with the couple whose relationship has been newly robbed of content happiness. I identify with Gillian — the betrayed partner — who has recently discovered her husband’s 8-year affair. Gillian expends most of her energy on adjusting her once happy memories to make room for her husband’s affair, questioning the authenticity of her once certain past. As Anna Fels puts it, ‘perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all.’
Once the crisis phase subsides, questions surrounding the meanings and motive are naturally explored. The motive behind an affair can be traced back to an existential conflict that occurs within us all. We crave security and we crave adventure; a painful dichotomy we have to contend with as we cannot simultaneously have predictability and change. A bitter pill to swallow but infidelity can even happen within a happy marriage. Perel writes that ‘many of those that have cheated attend therapy sessions and assure me that they love their wife/husband, they’re very happy together and yet they’re having an affair.’
To understand the ‘why?’ Perel engages us with a dual perspective: the meaning and the consequence. Noting that in many cases, affairs occur as a form of self-discovery or reclaiming an identity. Perel notes that ‘sometimes the most intoxicating “other” that people discover in an affair is not a new partner; but a new self.’ As we unravel each couple’s story, we understand that self-discovery can present itself in many different forms. For me, the most surprising is the discovery that some affairs have been conducted as a solution. The husband/wife value their relationship so much that they decide the best resolution would be to look outside the marriage, disillusioned as this may be, I think I might understand it.
And this is what this book does — helps us understand. In a world where exploring infidelity is a taboo conversation we prefer not to have, this book creates a safe space away from the judgement of societal standards. Perel permits us to re-examine our thoughts and feelings towards infidelity — however hesitant we may be. Whether you’ve been cheated on, cheated on a partner, or believe that your relationship is untouchable, this book will help you heal from past experiences and guide you through future relationships equip with new-found empathy and insight.
